Jaws: The Revenge (1987) – or – The sharks, they’re angry.

While this isn’t the worst film I’ve ever watched, it does come pretty close for plenty of reasons. Here we see the Brody family being stalked by a giant shark for the fourth time. Seriously, why do they even live by the water at all? Not only do they live by the water but Michael (Lance Guest) is a marine biologist.

Of course all of that makes no sense, which means it fits in perfectly with this film. When Sean (Mitchell Anderson) is eaten by a shark in Amity, Ellen (Lorraine Gary) heads to the Bahamas with Michael and his family. The shark follows them there and starts hunting down the rest of the family.

Yeah, the shark follows them to the Bahamas and proceeds to try and eat the whole family. What the hell did the Brody family do to piss off all these sharks?

In case you weren’t sure about the quality of this film, they made sure to advertise how lame it would be right on the poster with the tagline “This time it’s personal.” Does this mean that the Brody family has somehow offended the shark? I don’t get the reason why the shark is pissed off, or maybe it’s just that the Brody family is a lot more tasty than other people. Like some sort of fine delicacy that the sharks speak about when they get together for dinner. “Hey, have you heard of the Brody’s?” “Sure I have, I heard they’re just about the tastiest people you could ever eat!”

After Ellen's husband died from a heart attack, caused by a shark she thinks, she finds love with Hoagie (Michael Caine).

The stupidity of the shark following the family to the Bahamas is only overshadowed by Mario Van Peebles and his amazingly terrible accent. He plays Jake, a fellow researcher helping Michael. Now, despite Michael having been attacked by sharks numerous times and having his brother Sean eaten by one, Jake can somehow still convince him to observe the shark by sticking a heartbeat monitor to him. Really? Sorry, if sharks seemed to have a thing for me, the only thing I’d be sticking to the shark would be a lot of dynamite. Speaking of dynamite, that kind of leads into the most ridiculous ending in the history of film.

This is not the way to kill a shark. Apparently impaling them only leads to explosions.

After the shark has munched some people and we seem to learn that the shark and Ellen share a weird, psychic connection, Ellen sets out to kill that stupid shark once and for all. Off she goes in a boat alone, leaving Hoagie (Michael Caine) to take Michael and Jake out to find her in his plane. When they finally find her, Jake rigs up a sort of tazer. He feeds one half to the shark by jumping in the sharks mouth. Okay, maybe he doesn’t jump in but that’s where he ends up. Michael has the other half and he’s able to send shocks to the shark, causing it to come out of the water. Ellen sees her chance.

She manages to pilot the boat straight at the shark as Michael shocks it. It jumps out of the water roaring, because we all know how frightening the roar of a shark can be, and Ellen slams the ship right into the bastard, impaling him with the front of the ship. Suddenly the shark explodes, destroying himself and the boat.

Wait, what?

Do not ask me why the shark explodes. I guess it’s the defense mechanism of the great white shark. I can almost hear the strange nature narration now. “When faced with his demise, the great white shark will trigger a self destruct mechanism, causing it to explode, thereby destroying not only himself, but his enemy as well.” Thank the gods above that they never made a Jaws 5. I can only imagine that they’d have to take the shark into space at that point.

In the shadows – Will

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