I have completely lost track of when I’m behind on these posts now so you’ll have to forgive me if I miss one here and there. The longer the blog runs the more I have to do. Nothing in life is ever easy but getting burned out heading to screenings and staring at computer screens all day has a way of causing you to get sick. Now just because you’re sick doesn’t mean you should stay home from the theatre. I should know after having that woman sitting behind me during Buried at TIFF. She sure wanted to share her cold with everyone around her and why wouldn’t she! Hell, lets all get sick. Don’t suffer alone. With that in mind I bring you this weeks TIPS on HOW TO SPREAD YOUR COLD AT THE MOVIES!
HOW TO SPREAD YOUR COLD AT THE MOVIES
- This can be a very hard thing to do. An earlier post of TIPS told you how to annoy the crap out of everyone in a theatre but that was pretty obvious. Spreading your cold at the theatre should be a more subtle thing. The first thing you need to remember is you can’t look too sick. If you’re dying it may not be a good idea to go. Everyone will be on to you and steer clear of you so it’s only going to make your job that much harder. Try getting into the movies on that first day you start to feel sick so nobody notices.
- If there’s a lineup to get in you’ve already got an advantage. Sneezing or coughing all over the person in front of you is only going to get you in trouble. What you want to do is try and just stand as close as possible and breathe with your mouth open. Also, sneeze on your hands before you get in the line and then try bumping into them while holding your hands up and then look behind you as if to say ‘Hey, I can’t believe that guy just pushed me’.
- Alright, you’ve gotten your tickets now and are heading inside but someone has to take that ticket right! Cough all over those little bastards. Why just get random customers sick when you can get some employees sick as well! Try not to get the tickets wet though. Who knows how well that ink holds up and you don’t want your tickets to get rejected or something weird like that.
- Before you actually go to your seat you’ll want to get some snacks. When you get to the concession stand make sure to rub your hands over everything. You’re already sick so it’s not like you’ll get any more sick. Pay with debit as well so you can touch all the buttons on the debit keypad. Don’t forget to touch every single straw or utensil that the theatre offers as well. If there’s forks or spoons, give a few a lick and put them back. Just don’t get caught.
- Now you’re almost ready to sit down but before you get to the theatre try looking really confused. By doing that someone will probably try and help you and you can show them your ticket again. They may actually take it from your hand to look at it so if you’ve coughed all over like I told you, you’ll be helping to spread those germs a little further.
- You’ve only got a few more chances to spread that cold now. One is finding your seat. You’ll want to try and run your hand over the back of every chair you pass by. Just think of how close everyone’s head will be to the top of the chairs with your creeping, crawling germs waiting to hang on.
- This next tip is a dangerous one and is only recommended for the brave people out there. If you’re sitting next to someone with a drink this will work perfectly. First, try and distract them. This works best if you’re with someone. The person you’re with can get up and try to walk by them. Make sure they stumble, maybe even actually fall. When the person next to you is distracted take a big slurp of their drink. Make sure it’s a sloppy one too. You’ve gotta be fast and it helps to pretend you’re bending over so your head is right by their drink already. Just remember that this is a move only the most skilled person can pull off.
- Your final resort is to cough and sneeze all over everyone around you. I know you were supposed to be subtle but once the movie starts all your chances are gone. What’s important here is to wait until the movie is about 15 minutes in. That way everyone around you is comfortable and will be less willing to move. If the theatre is really full then they may not be able to find other seat either so they’ll be stuck there with you.
There you have it. I can assure you that all these tricks will work because it’s pretty much the reason that I got sick during last years TIFF. All these TIPS are dedicated to that woman who sat behind me in the theatre for Buried. She was wheezing more than Ryan Reynolds was in the movie, coughed so hard that I could feel the air whooshing by my head and sneezed so many times, and so loud, that I actually missed some of the dialogue. Sick lady at the movies, this TIPS for you!
Under the marquee – Will