In an effort to spread my useless knowledge around the world, and because the best advice is unsolicited advice, I’ve decided that it’s time to bring TIPS (Totally Inappropriate and Pointless Suggestions) to The Film Reel.
I thought about this one a lot over the last few weeks. Can’t just have reviews every day I thought to myself. Then I remembered our trip to see Yogi Bear in the theater. It was full of children who obviously hadn’t been beaten in their lives because they were noisy and rude. I soon realized that it wasn’t just the children who were rude. Parents answered their cell phones during the film and the biggest problem was that they never corrected their own kids when they were being disruptive. How could I used The Film Reel to help?
The gears started turning in my head. Rusted tight after so many years of misuse, it took a while to get a good idea going. I can still smell the burning now. I knew that I had to start the TIPS posts with one about acceptable behaviour in the movie theater. There’s a problem with that idea though. In reality, who doesn’t know how they should act in the movies. Like a child being told to stop jumping on the couch, we’re constantly assaulted with people telling us to ‘turn off your cell phones’ or that guy who shushes the noisy teens. It’s common knowledge how to behave at the movies and nobody listens anyway. I’m going to take a different approach, reverse psychology. With that I bring you the first entry of TIPS!
HOW TO ANNOY THE CRAP OUT OF EVERYONE IN THE THEATER
- Always make sure to show up 20 minutes late for the movie. This helps you avoid those annoying trailers and opening credits. Nothing exciting ever happens in the first few minutes of a film anyway.
- Now that the theater is full and very dark, you’re ready to find your seat. Make sure to pick the most crowded row you can find. Also, if you enter the row on the right, make sure you sit all the way to the left or vice versa. This way you’ll have to make everyone in the row stand up to let you by.
- When trying to get to your seat, use your cellphone as a light so you don’t trip. You wouldn’t want to spill any of your expensive popcorn or drink. For added fun, try to kick over someone elses popcorn. They’ll probably get some new popcorn for free when they explain what happened anyway.
- Now that you’ve made it to your seat, take a few minutes to get situated. Take your coat off by standing up and removing it. Make sure to stretch your arms out as far as you can when you do it, blocking as much of the screen as you can for the people behind you. Depending on the film you may actually be sparing them from watching something stupid. I always wear a large trench coat to the movies so I know I’m really in the way.
- Finally, you’re comfortable and you’re sitting down. That means it’s time to start eating. While popcorn is always good at a movie, it’s also very expensive. Try bringing your own bag of chips to the movies. Make sure the bag is really noisy as well that way you’ll cause all kinds of commotion every time you reach inside. Always eat one chip at a time to maximize the amount of times your hand had to go in the bag. It also helps to chew loudly.
- One of the most important things to do is to talk. Try talking the entire time but don’t just talk about anything. Here’s a few things that are guaranteed to drive the guy next to you crazy. Repeat every good line in the movie right after it was just said. This can be helpful for anyone around you who missed what the guy on the screen just said. Constantly ask questions about the movie so the person with you has to explain the entire plot at least six times.
- Sometimes you’re at the theater by yourself and you don’t have anyone to talk to. With the advances in technology that’s not a problem anymore. In this situation, call your friend on your cell phone. Tell them what’s happening in the movie and that it doesn’t make any sense to you. They can help you understand what’s going on if you explain to them everything that’s happening in the movie. Make sure to comment to your friend about the annoying guy sitting next to you.
- Talking in the movie is much easier if you have kids. They have a natural instinct to question everything already so don’t discourage them. They’ll make sure to ask questions even you wouldn’t have thought of. If you don’t have kids of your own, babysit someone elses or just find some in the lobby before the film.
- Also, if bringing kids to the movie, make sure it’s a film that’s inappropriate for them. Never take kids to a PG movie, there will be enough kids there already. Go for the R rated ones.
- Just because the movie is now over doesn’t mean you can’t be annoying still. Leave the second the credits start rolling. Some people like to stay and watch them so you’ll be able to annoy them on your way out. If you’re really lucky there will still be something left after the credits. If this happens, make sure to stop dead in your tracks so you can watch it. Hopefully you’ll still be trying to get out of your row when it happens.
- While you may have ruined the movie for everyone that was just in the theater, you have one more chance to be annoying on the way out. Look at all those people standing in line for the next showing. Better to warn them of what they’re in for. This is simply done by announcing the twist of the film as you walk by them. Remember if you’re by yourself to call your friend on the phone. You should still be talking to them from in the theater anyway. Some famous twist ruiners would be ‘I can’t believe Darth Vader was Luke’s father.’ or ‘Keyser Soze was Kevin Spacey all along.’ or ‘Yeah, Edward Norton and Brad Pitt were the same guy the whole time.’
There you have it. Follow those simple steps and you should be able to ruin any movie. I know this won’t help many people out there since I’m sure I’ve met at least one person in every movie who already follows all those tips anyway.
Under the marquee – Will
Can’t tell you how many times #9 pops up in my area. I could really care about what other peoples kids whereabouts are and the motives of said parents, but taking your 6 year old to The Hills Have Eyes or I Spit on Your Grave….really? That should be borderline illegal. Also “Just because the movie is now over doesn’t mean you can’t be annoying still”. Classic. HAHA!
Worst child-at-the-movies experience I had was a #9 with an INFANT who was brought, late (like #1) to The Two Towers, a 9pm screening. The parents proceeded to the FIRST ROW at the cineplex, so at least they weren’t a #2 but the movie is probably the most consistently loud thing ever. Luckily after 30 minutes of the poor chuld screaming because their ears were probably being destroyed by sound, they left. >=(
Looks like #9 is the popular one. I was at a screening of Machete and someone had two kids there and I’m sure that neither of them were older than 5. Thankfully they didn’t cry although I imagine that later in life they may have some odd questions about nuns and Lindsay Lohan!